Unconscious Mind

“Tharun, if you don’t open your mouth, I will throw the whole cup of Ragi on your face” I was shouting high after struggling to feed one year old Tharun, my son.  

It was April 18^th 2012, 8:30am in the morning. I heard my phone ringing. It showed “Kamal USA calling…” with flying red heart images.  Me and Tharun are staying at Thanjavur with an extension of my leave till May end.  Kamal flew as per his plan on April 15^th 2012.

I answered the phone and told (may be shouting to some extend) “can u call me later?...Your son is messing up with me…”.

He asked “what happened?”

I repeated, “Call me later…” and I cut the call.

My mom came out of kitchen. She kept the packed box of lemon rice & potato fry on the dining table & informed my brother to keep it in his lunch bag. My brother nodded his head and entered the bathroom with his Nokia phone singing “Sweet child o’ mine….” Of Guns n Roses  on loud speaker.

My mom grabbed the cup of Ragi from me and told, “If he rejects, try giving him idly….If he rejects too much, leave him…Kids won’t behave the same always…”.  I just gave a stare at Tharun who was trying his best to open the cap of a gel pen.

I went to the balcony & sat near my grand-ma. She is 80yrs old now. She is mom of 7 kids. My mom is her second child. My grand-pa is no more. I still remember her pinkish face & slight curly hair. I should say that I inherited the curly hair from her.  She used to look gorgeous in dark blue silk saree with golden border and another in dark green with red border. She looked more attractive even when she was in her 50s.

She used to feed me rice mixed with milk & sugar. She used to show me dogs… Tell me stories… Threaten me that one-eyed man will come & catch…;-)…It’s a feel that can be felt by anybody who was grown up by their grand-ma…;-)

Bringing myself back into the present, I felt a sign of worry in her face. I asked her what happened. She told, “sJust thinking”. I queried, “what about”. She came to the topic. It is about her 5^th son (my second uncle) who has difference in terms with her last son (my third uncle). My second uncle did not visit her for past one year due to some misunderstandings.

I told her that I welcomed him for Tharun’s B’day celebrations and he didn’t even mind to come and see me. I advised her not to worry about somebody who rejects us. I was expecting a yes or a no from her on what I said.

She told when Shankar was born he looked like a “thanga kudam” (golden pot). She wiped her tears & walked into the room. I sat in silence. I thought because she has 7 kids it doesn’t mean she has an option of “if…else…”. For a mom, every kid is her kid. She is happy when each one of them is.

I went in. I found Tharun finished his bath and getting ready for his morning nap. Tharun's neighborhood friend, Vishal, 4yrs old, was playing with his ball. His mom called him to come home for breakfast. It was 9:15am.  He just ran away. His mom never minds what he does from 10:00 am to 8:00pm. When everybody has their News channels ON at 8:00pm, we could hear Vishal reading his books competing with the new readers. She makes him sit with books at 8;00PM.  I used to wonder why not she could do it earlier. Then I understood that 8:00pm is the time for her husband to arrive. It’s an act to impress. I recalled the dialogue of John in Revolutionary Road.  April, who is pregnant for the third time & wants to abort, But Frank, her husband, is not willing to abort. John is their family friend. He says to April, “You know what I am happy about. I am glad that I am not going to be that kid…”

I remembered to have my breakfast. I took the plate & opened the hot box. I found rava upma. Kamal doesn’t like upma. Whenever I make it, he prefers to eat some rice with curd than upma. Upma reminded me that I cut his call. I immediately took the phone & dialed his number. After two rings I cut the call as calling from USA through vonage is cheaper. I waited. Again I gave two more rings. I waited. I called him once again. This time I held until it went to the voice message. Damn! But I did not leave any message. Vodofone charged me 6.05. I just checked skype. He was not online. I started eating the upma thinking of what I did was stupid. I should have not showed my anger at him.

I finished having upma. Kamal called me. I asked if he had dinner. He told he had at Kamath’s  house. I told a sorry. He told that’s ok. Just had five minutes chat. After the call, I found my brother left to college but my mom scolding him for keeping his books scattered all over.

Tharun fell asleep. It was his morning nap time. I thought of watching Seven an American Thriller, directed by David Fincher. AC was on & it showed 23. I felt a touch of laziness. I fell upside down on the bed near Tharun and covered myself with a thick blanket.

 The clock showed 10:30am. I took bath. I informed my mom that I am leaving to Mannargudi to meet Shanmugam uncle. My grand ma looked at me. I told her that, “I am going to convince him”. I told my dad that I would walk to New Bus stand which is just 10minutes from my home. 

When I opened the main gate, I found a dog hogging with its 3 legs. I found one of its front-legs was wounded and had some hemorrhaged blood. I did not open the gate. I waited for it to cross. Thank god it was going in the opposite direction. After few seconds, I started to walk. I just turned now & then to check if the dog had turned towards me. When I reached the end of road, I made a final check & I found the dog was out of sight.

I went to the new bus stand. I covered my nose with the kerchief as I saw a pool of drainage in the middle of road. When I crossed it, I tightly held my breath. I reached the place where Mannargudi buses will stop. I found no buses were there. I relaxed to breathe normally but still felt something is abnormal to my nose. I moved further & stood near a sundal wala. I liked the smell of boiled yellow peas (sundal). He asked if I need sundal. I told no.

As it was “muhoortha naal” (a day good for wedding), there was good rush in the bus stand even though it was mid-morning.

A person was standing over there with a hand bag held under his right arm & reading Nakeeran magazine. I asked what time buses to Mannagudi will come. He told me its time. I made myself stand closer to sundal wala as it avoided the other smells around me. The sundal wala checked with me once again if I need it. I told no & moved away as he threw me a sight of suspicion.

I found lots of fruit stalls surrounded by house flies in the platform of bus stand.

I thought if ever sanitary inspection is done at new bus stand. Do they know the condition here?...Do they know that the drainage is leaked in the middle of bus stand…? Do they know flies breed in it & sit over the fruits & food being sold…?...The land value around new bus stand is peaking up. Living area is getting broadened. Is there any action being taken for this?

Bus reached & everybody rushed up to get into it. Both entry & exit ways were jammed as people did not follow the rule of getting in through second door & coming out of the first door. I just thought people make a queue in LA Wilshirie bus stop.

I somehow managed to get into the bus. I found the bus was not cleaned. I sat one seat behind the driver. It had 3 seats & the other two seats near me were unoccupied. I gazed around & I found a boy & a girl in their teen standing outside. His hands were around her hip. I shrinked my face & thought “would I get the same feel if I see such…in US?”..The answer is clearly NO. In US I find people kissing each other. I have seen gays & Lesbians. Now what’s happening if it is in India….Is the blanket of culture making us behave false? Is it not normal in teen to get attracted? If not attracted, then definitely a doctor check is needed…But what is culture? Who framed this culture? Rather, what made them frame this culture?...

Before I conclude on that teen pair, I found I am pushed towards the window. Two ladies in silk saree with lots of jewels sat near me. Bus started to move & I got some fresh air. It was 11:30am. The woman near me was wearing a saree with more silk work. In the hot sun, the touch of silk on my hands gave a feel of burning. I stood up & moved out of the seat. I searched for another seat to sit. But the bus was completely full. There was a seat available near a man who was in his 40s. He was reading “Dhina Mani”, a daily newspaper. I went & sat near him.

I felt a glimpse of consciousness. I just noticed that everybody looking at me strangely. I found the uncle near me wrapped himself towards the window leaving lots of space between us. Oh! I am a woman & was sitting near a man!!!...I couldn't come out of the whole bus’s stare. I was searching for my “never mind” attitude which was playing hide & seek with me. My fingers automatically moved in one position.  My little finger pressing one point & the pointer pressing another point. Come on…my fingers!!!  I told them that ctrl+z is not available in earthly life. Finally my “never mind” attitude popped up & I sat straight.

I looked outside the window. I was just looking at some farmlands & then some boards reading in the middle of vast open lands…. “Sivam Nagar”…”Muthu Nagar”…”VGP”…”Vasantham Nagar”….

I recalled Kamal worrying about farm lands being occupied by builders. I found his worry reasonable…Everyone wants to invest in land. Builders & Real Estate owners started occupying farm lands & advertising for sale. If lands of agriculture are lost, what about food productivity…India has the highest possibility of reduction in supply of food…. May be USA will lend their helping hands & import Pizza & burger to solve starvation...crap!!!

 Woozzz…..Bus stopped at the first stop at Mannargudi. It was 12:30pm & I got down as my uncle’s home is just few steps near that stop. I walked into a street with garbage on both sides. The decaying & non-decaying garbage were throwing a smile of proud at me. I felt like they were proud because they occupied more space than the human beings on the road.

I entered the colony where my uncle stays. I just rang the calling bell. I heard my uncle’s voice welcoming me even before opening the door. His wife, my aunty, was puzzled to see me. She forgot (may be did not wish) to welcome me. I heard that she went to her mom’s home for the summer vacation . Hence I planned it to be a good time to talk to my uncle. But...now..I was confused on what I am gonna talk.

I broke the silence & asked her how she is..She told she is fine. I handed over the sweet box & jasmine that I bought. I handed over a cricket bat & ball to the kids. My uncle has two sons. Elder one is studying 8^th standard & younger in 5^th. I found them sitting in the middle of books. I asked if it is not a summer holiday for them. My uncle replied that yes it is & now they are reading next year’s books.  He also added they are going to Hindi class, music class & computer class. I just gave a smile.

My aunt came out with the puzzle still unresolved. She kept a plate of mixture & jangiri, that I bought for them. I took a bite on jangiri at 1:00pm!!??...I couldn’t start on the topic as the situation was not as expected. It is very dangerous to analyze a problem with the source of problem standing near the kitchen & staring at me with a note of expression “I will kill you”. I told my uncle that I just wanted to see them & I came over. He did not even mind to ask if my grand-ma is doing well.

I sat for some more minutes & started. I was hungry but I was not offered lunch. I just told a sorry to my appetite & walked down the street. I started back to Thanjavur. I did not feel the hunger by thinking what should I tell my grand-ma.

Once I reached Thanjavur, I felt the sudden cold breeze. It was cloudy but not raining. I thought I can visit the very famous Mariamman temple. My mom used to tell that peace of mind prevails all over in temples. I thought I need some & hired an auto. Auto driver started driving rashly with his horn supporting his heroic act. He drove faster even in traffic-police controlled roads.

 I just told him to go slow & there was no urgency.

He told, “I know MLA Gururangan” (name changed).

I replied, “You cannot tell this when you are under the rope of yama”.

He gave a very bad look. Suddenly he slowed down. All the vehicles were blocked & there was a big crowd. He went forward to check & came back. He told it was an accident. The biker is spot out. Police is clearing it out. After 15minutes of wait, he squeezed the auto through available space.

I asked him to wait & walked towards the entrance of the temple. A 10 year old girl was following me saying she is feeling hungry & need some money. I just noticed many such kids. What will they do when they are grown-up?  Will they continue to beg? They cannot go for work as child-labor is prohibited. Begging is what…Is that self-employment? Where are their parents? Few scenes of Bala’s “Naan Kadavul” movie flashed my mind.

I just walked fast into the temple. I had a good dharshan. I came out thinking of my answer to my grand-ma. I thought ‘I will tell her that I will call uncle & sort it out’.

When I came out of the temple, I found the auto driver was not there. That girl was asking me to give some money. I did not respond to her. I just waited for the auto driver. I did not get his mobile number. I thought ‘If I don’t find him in 10 minutes, I will hire another auto’. This girl started crying that she is hungry & she needs at least 10rs. I thought ‘now she landed on a rounded amount’. 

Suddenly I found the girl telling me, “If you don’t give me the money, I will tear you & will drink the blood”. Oh my god! What’s happening!!...I was like “What???”.

She repeated, “I will drink your blood & eat your flesh”.

There was a lady selling some eatables nearby. I told her that the girl is blackmailing me. She did not respond. I went & asked for help at another shop keeper who was selling cool-drinks. He did not even turn.

The girl was laughing at me and saying nobody can see you & me. I brought you into the world of “Hunger & Death”.

I started to half walk & half run. She was following me. I started to run faster. She also picked up my pace. I ran faster…faster faster…In few miles, I found the accident place was not yet cleared & people were still standing over there. The girl was following me. Nobody noticed me. But I found the dead body staring at me. His eyes widely opened.

My legs trembled in fear. I couldn’t run anymore. I found something standing in front of me. God damn!...Its the blood hemorrhaged dog that I saw near my home. Why is it here?

The girl behind me with eyes furiously filled with huger & the dog in front of me, breathing hard with its tongue let out. I screamed, “Amaaaaaaaaa”….

I found Tharun crying by looking at me. I felt cold. The AC was still on & read 23.  My mom came into the room & shouted at me for screaming with the sleeping kid nearby. I got out of the bed & walked into bathroom. I washed my face & decided to start to Mannargudi, to meet my uncle.