Love "yourself" your way

Women become more beautiful as the age grows - like a fine wine. I have always been admirer of my mom,grand-mom,teachers than the young looking girls. Women mature & carry themselves elegantly as they get older.When I turned 30 recently, I was comparing myself with what I was few years back.

That girl in twenties - somewhere between immaturity & maturity - somewhere between I can decide Vs I don't know - somewhere between Its fine to What the heck!!!...

"Between" phase has come to an end. But I had gone through a lot in that between phase...be my marriage, decided to quit job in India and travelling abroad, that adamant "I have to work" attitude, mom of 2 kids... sometimes I think of "what if" hypothetical questions. Then talk to my friends and hear the other side of regrets..Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence - A happy realization that we have to make frequently.

Challenge in front of current generation women is confused choice. Even though the independence to choose what we want is given, the  state of choice remains confused. Women of previous generation had no choice to choose from...their life had been limited to marriage, kids, family. Women of next generation has lots of choices and independence to choose with no confusion. But women in between who is undergoing the transformation, faces the challenge. She is representing both women of previous generation and next generation. She still owns the responsibilities of previous generation while she fights for next generation. Its an unknown factor which tells her that she has to be "this" to prove herself as a woman, mom, wife and a social being. But that factor takes her far away from being an individual.

I am a working woman but can I function like a working man?
I am a modern woman but do I get the complete independence?-
I follow traditions but do I have choice to quit when I feel its not needed?

A woman who wakes up late because she worked late is an irresponsible mother. A woman who has workload & stays late at office is called irresponsible. A woman who chooses for herself "sometimes" over the family is stamped as irresponsible. On the other side, a woman who chooses to be home maker is also stamped as irresponsible.

How do I overcome this challenge? How do I handle that unknown factor? - Give a damn shit about it.I am not here to rehabilitate the sick minded. I am not here to live someone else's life.

In the transformation from 20s to 30s - I transformed into a woman who is different from the girl I know. No more dress up for your man but dress for yourself. No more I do care every simple thing but should I react??...No more I want to express everything but I know what I have to do....

---> Conscious decisions, Exploring options, Living myself.

Every woman should choose what she wants to be every moment. If you are in a situation to justify yourself to someone, you are in wrong hands...Time to break the hand cuff.

My mom who told me to walk with head held high, tells me to keep quiet. It is a laugh loud situation. We realize what we grew up with had become little different. But sometimes it is not about winning or losing. Its about handling the situation. I don't mind to fail in front of my husband. I win by losing. But do I do that to everyone & every situation - No. I make my conscious decisions.

What do I need besides going to work, cleaning the house, bathing kids and cooking meals? Every woman needs something beyond what she is!! Think about it. Walk towards things that is for you. Explore options around you.

End of day when I look at the mirror, it should reflect the woman I dream to be. If it shows a different person, then I have to cure it. Living myself is what makes me!!

This is not about getting rid of the responsibilities but about give a thought on yourself too. It is not about being rude to others it is about being kind to yourself too. It is not about living selfish but about live selflessly selfish. Always change from inside out. Trust me this never breaks what you give...It only adds thing you share for yourself too.

Woman makes the family complete. She spreads love & care. Its time to care for the "she" in you. Give her the importance & focus. Don't search for your hero - Be one!! 

NRI Moms - The real struggle

The real struggle of NRI parents - when you have to bring up family and kids in another country. You get trapped between two different ideologies - one from the origin and other from kids' birth country. Culture cannot be as we choose per our convenience but it should be in its purest form. The biggest deal is the vast difference of approach in day to day activities.

Whatever we do, after some point, the thinking and attitude of the upcoming generation is determined by whom they are surrounded with. I am unsure of consequences to be faced in future but I am prepared. But we get caught in the state of confusion right from the beginning.

The lifestyle difference starts right from pregnancy and child birth.

You might have seen pampered pregnant ladies in your home town. Everyone helping and caring for the pregnant woman. Those delicious treats from relatives...But when you become pregnant in different country, miles and miles away from your native, all you can do is cry out those pregnancy hormones over phone to your mom & grand-mom.

After child birth, in India, special maids come to give massages to the new mom to help quick recovery. But here we have to come out of bed as soon as we come back home from hospital as only people who can manage kitchen & baby are your mom and you..and you have help your mom out!!! Oh yeah we get Super-woman praises...but only we know how painful it is!!!

When the baby is born the first question starts with if the babies can be given "Uraimarundhu"(traditional herbal dose given to new born in India). But we tend to stop our moms...If something happens we cannot explain what it is to the doctors here. Some of us least care about anything and give it. But everything goes puzzled!!!

Baby/Toodler food - Doctors do not know what is idly, rasam, dhal etc.. Mostly discussions with doctors go with ingredients than the dishes. Moms have to translate the discussions to match Indian foods. Same applies when they are sick. we get suggestions of rice crackers, jello, soup - How will I explain that idly & rasam are the best!!

Sleep training and Table manners - Two big open ended discussion topics for NRI moms.
I love cuddling with the baby and having him near me(even when I sleep). But we get advice of sleep training and NRI moms are victims of those advice. We do not have the tradition of having kids sleep in separate room. But some of us start following as we couldn't conclude. I can't sleep without my boys on my sides. Those bed-time kisses, hugs and rhymes cannot be replaced.

I feed my kids with hands. I carry them and walk around the tower to feed. I show them moon, trees, cars, dogs....I get weird looks from other country people. I do prefer this way than giving them phones & iPads!!!

Common Cold/stuffy nose: If no fever and just cold/stuffy nose, doctors do not treat for 2 weeks. In India we are used to doctors prescribing medicines for common cold. Our first few times goes with puzzled late nights as the kids suffer with stuffy nose and they cannot sleep.Then we get used to this and wait for two weeks before going to doctors.

Ok now the school!! - Teachers use the word "behavior" - right from the age of 3. They say his behavior is little bit off...he ran a lot & screamed a lot...we can work through it...What else the kids do!!..We nod our head and come back.

I remember an incident at Tharun's school. They have drop off & pick up sign-in process and parents have to sign up. One of the kids was crying that he wants the pen kept near the files..(those pens are may be 1$ use & throw pens). Both the parent and teacher struggling to stop the kid from asking the pen. If it would have been my mom/teacher, I am sure they would have given that pen as soon as the kid asked for it.

I still remember an incident at chuck e cheese during a B'day party. Tharun was on my shoulders(he was around 2years) and was touching balloons tied up on the next table. The person on that table called me "Excuse me, that is our balloon!!" haha....THE best incident of mine. I gave a stern look and told "I know!!!".

Two different societies - Ours is built of families..It is difficult to merge into a society built of individuals. Stuck in the vicious cycle of social pressures, it is a real struggle for us and is not oblivious...

Secularism - India's painted face

Its been quite a while I posted in blog...But recently I woke up to some news which forced me to write this...

An old man was killed because he ate beef. Following that incident a protest was made under the name of "Beef festival" where at least 300 people did eat beef biriyani...& now people in social media actively talking about Vegetarianism Vs non-vegetarianism.

When common people unknowingly relate the incident to vegetarian Vs non-vegetarian Facebook fights - there is hidden politics behind all these which we all need to realize. The old man belongs to a particular community - is a point to be highlighted.

I go to temple. I listen to carnatic music. I don't eat beef.  - These three stand alone with no dependencies on my religion. It pertains to my choice of prayer, music & food. 

I don't understand the idea of forcing one thought/practice on another. 

GMO cows are not a topic to be discussed? 
We all take the milk that the calf owns. Vegans may need to talk more to Vegetarians.
Can we all eat Kosher food because that's what Jews eat?
what about crackers used in Diwali that makes the animals suffer and pollutes the environment?
Hinduism by itself has complex-structured caste system. If everyone to be matched??!! (Let us resolve untouchability before we sneak peak into other religions)

Ideology of Liberalism involves religious tolerance without interference. Its just not beef...movies, speech, books are blamed for hurting the religious sentiments. That's so scary when secularism and liberalism are under question while we plan digital India.

We sing "இறைவனிடம் கையேந்துங்கள் " an Islamic devotional song with more passion than other songs. It's not because I like one religion over other....Because the tune of that song makes you feel closer to the eternal existence.

we are taught, the most powerful words in the world "யாதும் ஊரே யாவரும் கேளிர் " which translates as “All the world is my world, all humanity is my fraternity.

I strongly believe in "Aham brahmasmi" - the core of my being is the ultimate reality, the root and ground of the universe, the source of all that exists. 

 The worship of sun god and my doctor's advice to use sunlight as remedy for stress are registered the same in my mind. Unless rational thoughts are applied to what we practice, its difficult to come out of communal ignorance. 

There can be non-communal reasons to ban meat/slaughter. But political parties utilizing the majority population's religious beliefs and creating discrimination in the name of justifying ban. People need to realize that it is more than vegetarian protein Vs non-vegetarian protein or posting about models who stay built just with vegetarian food.

I am open to the discussion of vegetarian or non-vegetarian or vegan topics unless its not tied to the roots of religions. These topics easily add indirect discrimination on caste/religion and are dangerous precedents. we need to envisage country with peace and independence. Mother India's painted face needs a good wash. 

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”

― Albert Einstein

Morning and it's Message

Everyday morning goes well planned. Kids sleep till 7:30...I walk on my tippie-toe so that my lil' one doesn't wake up. He is mommy's boy and his only goal is to stay closer to mommy :-).

Having a 4 burner stove is the best for a working mom. Water, eggs, oats, idlies...ON...
When I unload the dishwasher, 100s of things starts going through the mind...email to be sent, meetings to attend, documents to complete, groceries to buy, clothes to iron, Homework to be reviewed.

Workout is one thing that always keeps me away from bad mood and I am not perfect. I skip it some days but never lost the habit.

After the workout and bath I feel refreshed but cannot do the make-up right after. I save time and do it on the way to work and sometimes none :-P

Packing lunches + Snacks...Its not the same lunch/snacks. Its four different lunches and snacks...One for younger one. One for elder one. An unhealthy version for my husband and a healthy version for me. I feel like I am done with 80% of the day by packing lunches properly.

Thank to my healthy habits, I never skip breakfast. That oats & eggs - 365 days breakfast and I never get bored. I used to question myself, if I am really not bored of it. Then I realize, I have never focused and ate the breakfast. I peel the egg and eat right after. I eat the oats at the speed of a running rabbit. I can keep eating it for years as I am just filling me in and not eating.

Thats me in the morning. Now its time for kids to wake up.

After the kids wake up, I at least tell three times to get out of the bed. They roll on the bed. They pull me in and hug me tight. We share the morning hugs and kisses and "I love You"s .

Two different kids. One at 4+ who is never tired of asking questions. Another at 18mons who is never tired of examining 'how things work'. During the brushing and bathing time, I wish I had two more hands.

Time progresses and its time to leave the home. I drop both of them. We go by walk as day care/friend's home are walk-able.

I push the stroller with little one sitting and elder one hanging to it.

My little one enjoys every dog that crosses his way. He gets excited at squirrels that jumps up/down the tree. He responds to every crow that cries. He says "hi" to people who smile. He closes his face and smiles when the sunlight falls on him.

My elder one watches every car that goes. He watches the garbage trucks that stand outside towers. He talks about the monster trucks and their big wheels. He asks if he can play in the sprinkler thats ON for the grass. He guesses the shape of the clouds. He tries to spell the words written on boards/doors,

I listen, smile, laugh, discuss little things, pluck flowers for kids and forget that I have 10+hrs of the day left.   I realize that I am not "grown-up" to run around the clock. The meetings, documents, ppts are not going to be my memories. My memories are going to be the little things that we do and enjoy.

As a kid we enjoyed little things. Eventually during the journey, something took us far away from those...something separated us from living closer to nature. Its not time to analyze whats that "something"...But instead we can start living like a kid....think like a kid....which will slowly get rid of the "something".

I don't need a long weekend and a trip to relax. I have the sun and moon to watch. I have clouds to stare at. I have fresh air to stand up and breathe for few minutes. I can watch the trees, flowers, birds and squirrels. I can just lie down on the green grass. I am gifted to touch those small feet of my babies. I am gifted to hug, kiss and play. I am gifted to love and being loved.

Its not a rough road. It is a way full of beautiful things...There are ups and downs but it should not stop us from taking a pause at little beautiful things.

"In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” - Buddha

My Grandmom - My blessing

I felt hungry little late in the night. I had nothing but some left over rice. I scooped in little sugar and poured milk and mixed with rice....I was eating it and remembered no one else but my grand mom.

Everyone of us have that special grand-mom. She is mine. Her name is Rajalakshmi Chockalingam.

She is almost 80. She gave birth to seven kids with my mom being the second. She lost two of her kids and two grand-kids but dealt with it. As a mom I understand how tough was her battle. 

I am not sure if other grand-kids can realize her as a "woman" because I am the only grown-up grand-daughter and I am the only grand-child who stayed closer to her & was grew up by her. Purpose of this article is to make her upcoming generations know the value of her beautiful soul.

I had grown up seeing my grand mom undergoing different phases of her life. Tough days weren't new for her. She is simple, elegant, beautiful in & out. 

I recall those good old days where she fed me milk & rice for dinner. She told stories and said one-eyed man might come if I did not finish it :-D. 

She dictated the budget of the month(milk, groceries, medicine...) and asked me to write. It was nothing but maths for me. Now I realize the value of it when everyone swipes the credit card as & when needed. 

When no groceries were available, she plucked Black nightshade leaves(Manathakkali keerai) from the backyard and made soup(rasam) out of it with a side dish made of sesame seeds. All I did was, enjoyed the delicious soup. But now I know as a woman, I can manage any situation without being overwhelmed.

She knows the importance of being fresh & active. That one thing I am trying to follow is looking fresh but I struggle just with two kids!!!

She lit the lamp everyday morning and evening and offered flowers to the god. I used to argue that its an old-school tradition. I used to be a person who argues that there is nothing special in prayers. Now I know an everyday offering and prayers to god is a simple step towards happy living.

If she cooks, we can smell the aroma two houses ahead. Perfect quantity, perfect spices, perfect consistency, perfect taste...Only few people can bring them altogether and my grand-mom is outstanding. When I go to her place I ask her to make tomato-onion chutney and hot idlies. Her milk kolkattai is my another favorite that I can have all day. (mmm....now I am feeling hungry..). 

She is emotionally soft and kind. She never expresses her anger/anxiety much. She knows no one but she has to handle it. She has that one simple goal - everyone to be happy & blessed. She proved Education is not must for a person to handle themselves. She is lot better than educated mean people I have met.

When I faced personal down times, all she said to me was to hold my head up and brave. We used to talk a lot after dinner...my school/college, family, problems, cooking, art works...what not!!

Now I am not near her. But re-call those discussions and talk to her over phone. Now being 90+ - all she needs is someone to re-call those good old memories. When we grow old, we live in memories.

That drop of tear I shed emotionally is not to be hidden because it has the memories of my grand-mom.  My Grand-mom - My Blessing.

Motherhood is magnified!!!

Recently the social networks make "Motherhood" sound toughest of everything. It has re-defined motherhood as a rocket science. You ask today's moms "How is it going", their common answer is "Tough".

MOM is reflection of WOW....unpaid job is being a mom...Motherhood is priceless...Its mommy world....so many things...

But is Motherhood that difficult...? Is pregnancy and labor that painful??

Our moms and grand moms and great grand moms handled these with no exaggeration.

Undergoing pregnancy & labor, sleeplessness, nursing baby, bathing, spending time for kids - We started seeing them through the eyes of social network. We got influenced by marketing advertisements and online information.

If something is seen as a task its a "task". If we see it as part of our life cycle, its the easiest. Anything related to the nature stays easy.

My mom and grand-mom never told me labor is tough. In fact, my mom told me its very easy to undergo few minutes of natural labor than recovering from C-section. But the women of my age told me its the toughest of everything.

My grand-mom nursed seven kids. Sometimes two kids at a time had nursed. She never had told that she felt painful. But women of my age told me that the nipple cracks, milk secretion (over & under), nigh time wakening are the worst part of their life. In fact, few of them chose to stay with formula than mother's milk.

Am I seeing only the beautiful side of my mom/grand-mom's motherhood? They also had moody times. They also lost patience. They also had hormonal days. But they handled it without making it an issue. Now everything needs a doctor advicne.

Women's health after pregnancy has two online faces. Some talk about losing the baby weight in few weeks after labor. Some talk about the beauty of motherly woman's body with a baby belly. Two extreme ends to stay with "excuses" as you choose.

People may argue with me that our moms and grand-moms did not go out for work and we do work and share financial responsibilities besides family responsibilities. But "being employed" shouldn't change the way we see things. If positive mind-set is changed by being employed, then we need to correct something right there.

Why do women need a meme to tell them that they are strong...??Why do women need some site to explain what it is to be a mom....??Why do women need somebody to describe that her body is still beautiful after pregnancy...??When did we let so much of external forces play a role in our attitude??

Being a mom is special. It makes a woman complete. It changes a lot in her life. She begins to see life in a different angle. These are all known facts and they cannot change with some written info.

Social media's constant inspirations on Motherhood need to be reduced. Every mom should gain her thoughts from her mom, her grand mom, her great grand mom - not from social media and not from other women influenced by social media.

Pregnancy & labor are not painful. Motherhood is not tough. Knowledge should be rational.

Happy Mother's day!!!

Peanuts - loaded with spices

Here is a quick recipe with peanuts...

Ingredients:
Olive oil 1 tsp
Mustard to splutter
Red chilies - 3

Peanuts - 1 cup

1/2 onion - chopped fine

Coconut - grated (as needed)

1/2tsp of following spices

--cumin powder

--fennel powder

--black salt 

--amchoor powder(raw mango powder)

Steps:

Cook the peanuts with some salt(I pressure cooked it) & keep aside.

Heat pan & add little olive oil.

Splutter some mustard & red chilies. 

Sauté some chopped onion. 

Add cooked peanuts.

Add some grated coconut.

Add the following spices

--cumin powder

--fennel powder

--black salt 

--amchoor powder(raw mango powder)

Mix well. Simmer & cook for 2mts.

Garnish with cilantro!!